About

Hi, I’m Nicole. I’m in my late 30s, and I have stage 3B inflammatory breast cancer — a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer that typically doesn’t show up as a lump, but instead rapidly (and I mean rapidly... in a matter of days to weeks) turns your breast red, occasionally blotchy/rashy, swollen, and warm to the touch. If you were currently breastfeeding your first thought might be that it's mastitis. It tends to spread fast (like before you even think you should go to the doctor for it fast), ignores boundaries, and generally behaves like a houseguest who refuses to leave. It isn't something doctors immediately think is breast cancer so please advocate for yourself.

I’ve been through chemotherapy, surgery, radiation — the whole treatment tasting menu. It sucks. It’s been brutal, physically and mentally. There's no "easy" part. It’s like being shoved into a meat grinder, then asked to smile politely at brunch.

So why did I name this blog “Fuck You, I Have Cancer”? Because cancer is aggressive, and I figured it deserved a response in kind. If you’ve had cancer — or cared for someone who has — you know that the entire experience is a twisted rollercoaster of appointments, waiting games, indignities, small wins, and very large bills. There’s a deep exhaustion that comes with trying to function “normally” while your life is on fire. And sometimes, when someone cuts you off in traffic or the grocery clerk doesn’t smile, all you want to scream is: Don’t you know I have cancer?!

Of course, I don’t actually say that. I just come home and mutter fuck you into the void. It helps.

I don’t know exactly what this blog will become. Probably mostly rants but also links and information about inflammatory breast cancer. I bought the domain name during my first round of TCHP chemo — I was roided up on steroids and full of spite. But even now, a little less chemically unhinged, the sentiment remains. Humor — especially the dry, dark kind — is the only thing that’s gotten me through some of the worst moments. And if this space gives someone else a laugh, or at least a place to feel seen in this absolute nightmare ride, then it’s worth it.

Welcome. I’m glad you’re here. (But also, fuck cancer.)

—Nicole